Random Thoughts On A Sunday Morning

Even though I've made it crystal clear to a psychologist that I’m exercising my right to not help my brother any further, I’m filled with dread that he’s returning as soon as next weekend. I want nothing to do with That Manipulative Motherfucker, which is why I’ll refer to him as TMM on this blog going forward. I will treat TMM like I do my investments. I separate my emotions from them and not give a shit how they fluctuate on a day to day basis.

The other toxic person draining my life force is my older sister, the one that’s not dying within the next few months. She’s unlike me in many ways, and one of them is how we’ve handled our hidden disability. I went into remission while she takes a cocktail of pills throughout the day that don’t do anything to control her numbers or emotions. I'll refer to her as DR, inspired by the fictional liberal superhero Impotent Rage from the Grand Theft Auto Online video game. The first letter refers to our hidden disability, and the second one is for the rage that consumes her.

Onward to happier things… 

I don't think I've ever seen Miku dressed as a cowgirl, but yesterday I made her my Little Miss Honky Tonk. We did a Boot Scootin' Boogie on a four-lane highway to my old stomping grounds, which surprisingly wasn't ten degrees hotter than where I live now. After my weight loss I'm a Brand New Man, so it was fitting we stopped at a DXL clothing store where the clerks know me by name. 

Yeah, I had Brooks & Dunn cranked up on Miku's stereo system. Anyway...

I’m meeting Sensei and my best friend for breakfast next weekend, and I wanted nice clothes to wear for the occasion hot weather be damned. I tried on jeans for the first time in about a decade, and when I peered at my reflection in the dressing room’s full length mirror I stifled tears of joy. That was the moment I realized that when someone tells me I'm cute or handsome, I should believe them.

When I got home, I immediately grabbed a leather belt from the back of my closet. Like anyone that’s gained weight, I hung onto that belt in the faint hope that I’d someday magically fit into it again. When I wrapped it around my waist, I profanely gasped when I discovered I need to buy a smaller one. If that didn’t please me enough, I also located a pair of dress shoes that with a little TLC pairs perfectly with the clothes I purchased.

I need to get my hair trimmed in the coming days to complete my transformation and no, this is not for Sensei. I’m doing this to prop up a self image that’s been battered for three decades. If Sensei or someone else takes notice of me, I’ll just flash them a warm smile and display that cool confidence that makes them realize they have to earn the privilege of sitting in Miku's empty passenger seat.

And if they take up the challenge, I’ll show them I’m worth the effort.