The Struggle Is Real, Y'all

I had no idea life could be this difficult, even when things seem to be in my favor. I likely have enough money to remain retired. I'm in good if not great health, and I've run the gamut from being a hunk to morbidly obese and everything else in between. Normally, I can take the good and the bad without a care in the world. I'd celebrate the good times, and learn the lesson from the bad ones so there's no reoccurrence. 

But today is not that day.

I have no idea if it's just the idea of dipping my toes in the dating waters is what's causing me to feel in the dumps this afternoon. There's this loss of control that I'm not familiar or comfortable with. I really have no idea how the other person is feeling about me, and I'm not about to put them on the spot either. I'm supposed to be this confident person that I project, and seeking validation in any way runs counter to that. Right now I feel vulnerable, even weak, and I fucking hate it.

Then there's the fact I'm not really into the Christmas spirit for obvious reasons. My mother declined during the holiday season just over two decades ago and was sent to hospice on New Year's Eve. She died less than two weeks later. My father went into a nursing home about two weeks before Thanksgiving three years ago but held on until February.

But as the late Billy Mays once said, "But wait, there's more!

I buried one sister about two months ago. My brother suffered a traumatic brain injury from his suicide attempt and will never fully recover. He also has other health issues that make me wonder if it's just a matter of time before we plan his funeral. Then there's my last surviving sister. She's making a ton of travel plans for 2025 and remarked at one point, "If I make it that far." I can read between the lines. The only one of us that's in decent health is me, so there's a very real possibility that I will truly be all alone in twelve months.

Another reason why I'm stressing so much is that I've lost my sense of purpose in retirement. Writing a novel is nice, but honestly it's so much work with little reward that it becomes just as much as a time suck as Reddit or social media. On the flip side, I enjoy blogging so much that I don't mind if I do it for free.

Even in retirement, I still have dreams. Whether I end up with The Muse or someone else, I have this one where I'd flip the script and reverse gender roles. While they're busy with their careers, I'd be home taking care of everything else behind the scenes to support them. The cooking. The cleaning. The errands. And when that dream happens, I have this huge smile on my face.

I don't know if I'll make that dream a reality, but I already know this. By getting these feelings out in the open I'm already feeling a little better. Even if I was assisted by Sutter Home pinot grigio and a three pepper gouda cheese stick.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I have a funny story to share about nearly wrecking a marriage to share with y'all soon. Stay tuned.